There are numerous modifications you can make to your vehicle to improve its performance, handling, drivability, and appearance.
Then there are others that do absolutely nothing.
But I’m not just talking about the backwards hat wearing, rap blasting, gangsta leaning civic drivers who cruise around like Vin Diesel from Fast and the Furious because they’ve attached a muffler to their car that sounds like a weed wacker.
With the amount of time I spend behind the wheel, I’ve been noticing an abundance of these obnoxious trends growing in popularity. Heck, I don’t know – maybe these modifications do make your car look cool.
But even if they do, it still makes me and many others want to throw your car into the center of an active volcano.
So I’ve compiled a list of some of the most foolish and stupid modifications people make to their cars.
6. Scrolling LED License Plates
Ever wish you had speakers on the back of your car to yell f bombs at other drivers? Or maybe you wanted to get the attention of that hot blonde driving behind you? Look no further than the scrolling LED License Plate – your very own personal billboard.
Just enter the message you want to say with the handheld remote and you’ll get the attention of everyone behind you. And what better way to propose to your spouse then through a scrolling LED license plate cover? Guaranteed yes every time.
5. Aftermarket HID Kits
High-intensity discharge (HID) lighting is a new type of technology that provides improved nighttime visibility for drivers over standard Halogen bulbs. Standard on higher end vehicles, they come equipped with light projectors (like a flashlight) that disperse the additional light evenly over road surfaces.
However, motorists have started installing these systems in vehicles not designed for the additional brightness.
This is what a typical HID system looks like installed from the factory
This is what a HID system looks like when installed illegaly in a standard halogen housing
Notice the glare? It’s like someone pointing a goddam laser beam in your eyes.
But it looks cool right? Who cares if you blind every other driver on the road? You’ve got fancy blue headlights that can light up the fucking moon.
4. Big Rims
Remember when they used to rap about rolling on 24’s? Or when Rich Boy told you to “Throw some D’s on that bitch”?
Well, there’s a reason why you don’t hear these songs on the radio anymore. We’ve already proven to the world that you can put huge rims on anything – golf carts, ATV’s, kid’s toys, school buses, and even ice cream trucks.
But bigger is not always better.
Huge wheels don’t make your car cooler. They don’t make your car go faster, or handle better, or stop faster. They don’t give you super powers or turn you into Charlie Sheen.
And they certainly don’t do what those Viagra commercials promise you.
The only thing they do is make you look like an IDIOT. Besides, there’s a reason why car manufactures have never made 26 inch wheels standard on cars.
3. Giant Wings
Spoilers are designed to provide down force at high speeds, keeping the cars body planted to the ground. They decrease the slope of air down the back of a car, reducing the drag and resistance. But on your 14 year old, front wheel drive Corolla, the only thing it does is function as a large bookshelf on the trunk of your car.
Yes, but all the fastest race cars have big wings. Surely it’ll work on your 96 Sunfire.
The thing is, these cars go really fast. They reach speeds where spoilers actually make a difference in control and handling.
But what if you put more then one? Maybe your car will start to fly…
2. Fart Can Exhausts
Now, a performance exhaust can free some power in your engine. They allow quicker, more efficient travel for exhaust gases to escape therefore allowing your engine to breathe better and create more power.
But attaching an annoying muffler the size of a bazooka tube to the back of your 96 horse power Honda does NOTHING for performance.
All it does is
- Wake up the neighbourhood
- Sound like somebodies passing gas
- Make babies cry
- Scare away attractive females
- Cause me to face palm
Do yourself (and your neighbours) a favor and avoid the temptation of putting one of these fart tubes on the back of your ride.
1. Tacky Body Kits
Remember those funky hot wheels cars you used to find at the bottom of cereal boxes? You probably threw them all away but now they’re back in full size versions. You’ll often notice drivers of these vehicles strolling around like they own some sort of Lamborghini, oblivious of the fact that Ebay body kits make their shitbox look like a Gargoyle. “
Scary, huh? It’s kind of like seeing a fat chick in a two piece bikini for the first time.
The real scary part – these hideous kits are available for nearly any make or model. In the hands of amateurs this can lead to some truly disturbing creations. I suggest keeping a barf bag in your glove box.
Before you go on to think I hate all modified cars, listen up.
I myself have done hundreds of modifications to the numerous vehicles I have owned. But none of them have been as tacky, obnoxious, and tasteless as the ones you have just witnessed.
I’ve got better things to spend my disposable income on.